This article was inspired by a clear contrast between days I woke up with a "poor me" attitude, and days I decided to make great on purpose. Both occurred within the last week, and it is amazing how great I can feel if I put in the effort. It is also amazing how easily I can slip back into the victim mentality.
We are the creators of our own realities. Everything we experience in this life results from the vibration we tune ourselves to. This isn't easy to swallow for most people who have suffered greatly. It certainly wasn't for me. It is much easier to be the victim. Victims don’t have to be accountable. Victims have an excuse as to why they are unhappy, unsuccessful, and unfulfilled.
My mother died when I was 26, and my fiancee died when I was 34. I suffered greatly. Though there are plenty of people who have suffered worse and others less, the degree of suffering doesn’t particularly matter; it is how we move forward with it in our lives.
I easily could have, and occasionally did, sink into the “poor me” victim mentality. No one could blame me; what I experienced was horrible, and I don’t wish it on anyone. However, the “poor me” version of myself didn’t exercise; he didn’t have the energy. He didn’t go to work; how could he work in the place he built with his dead partner? He escaped life with weed, porn, and video games; life was too hard to be present with his emotions. He didn’t socialize; small talk felt meaningless and burdensome. He felt unwanted; who would want to date someone with so much trauma? He was angry; he blamed the doctors and the broken healthcare system for her death. Poor me.
Early in my grieving process, my therapist showed me what this victim version of myself would become. He would become a sad, angry, bitter, lonely old man. He would look for every little thing that goes wrong to support his belief that the world was unfair. He would engrain the identity of the victim deep into his brain and tune in to more experiences that support that identity.
I fully understand why people allow themselves to be the victim; it can be difficult not to be. Choosing to be grateful instead of bitter takes work. Hopping in a cold plunge is much less fun than smoking weed. Meditating with the whirlwind of the mind is way more challenging than scrolling through Instagram. Eating fast food takes much less effort than meal planning, prepping, cooking, and cleaning. Closing off from dating is much easier than being rejected or disappointed. Living alone forever means I don’t have to suffer the heartbreak of possibly losing a partner again.
I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to make my mom and fiancee proud of what I make of my life, even if it takes an immense amount of work. I wanted to be happy, to find love again, to have the family I was planning. I know that’s what they want for me. There were two clear and defined paths in my life: the path of the man who creates his reality and the path of the victim of whatever life throws at him. Every single day, I wake up with the choice of which path to walk.
I’m not going to lie; some days, I walk the path of the victim. Life is hard, it happens. But I take that victim road far fewer days than the creator road, which has resulted in a net positive path of creation.
If I could become the creator of my own reality, I needed to figure out what reality I wanted to create and how to do it.
I wanted love and family. So, when I was ready, I went on dates, lots of them, amidst all the doubts, fears, judgments, and rejections. I saw each connection as a mirror to understand myself better, each ending with more clarity into what I want, and each person as a contribution to becoming a better version of myself. I grew exponentially as a man and partner and eventually found my way into love once again.
I want to be abundant and financially secure. I poured my heart and soul into my work at Riffs, improving the business and expanding into various wellness services. I educated myself and developed a successful and sustainable investment strategy. I found ways of creating additional revenue streams for myself. Most importantly, I cultivated a positive mindset around money, seeing it as a tool to create value in the world rather than something to pinch and hoard. I tell myself I am rich every day.
However, I can’t effectively cultivate love and abundance in my life if I am not healthy and happy. So, I made my health my top priority. I went to therapy. I reorganized my relationship with food. I spent countless hours walking the beach listening to uplifting spiritual speakers. I exercised regularly. I discovered physical and emotional solace in a sauna and cold plunge practice. I cut down on negative thinking, processed food, social media, and all of the quick-fix pleasure-seeking activities that are so easy to surrender to these days.
None of these paths are complete. They are daily practices. Last weekend, I walked the path of the victim. Today, I am back to creating my own reality. I woke up at 5 am, went to a workout class, meditated in the sauna, took a 4-minute cold plunge, and came home to cuddle with my partner and dog, all before 8 am. I then read my self-help book, sat down to write this article, and will start my work day shortly. Later, I will walk on the beach and listen to an uplifting or inspiring podcast. I will end my day with good food, my partner, and my puppy. It will be a great day because I will make it so.
I can’t control much in this world, and challenging experiences will inevitably come my way from time to time. This version of myself, the version that puts in the effort to make each day a good day, will be the best one to handle the chaos when it comes.
On that note, I’m taking the month of February to double down on my health. I am committing to a program of exercise, recovery, food, supplementation, and the cutback of quick-hit dopamine like social media and sugar. I’ve learned a bit about dopamine and feel like a detox will be very beneficial for me. I will report on what I did and how it all went at the end of February.
Until then, Onwards and Upwards we go.
Thank you for reading my article. If you feel called to support my writing, please click the link below to make a donation, or please share this article with someone who may need to read it. I appreciate you!
If you can't donate, please subscribe and share this blog with those who may benefit from reading it.